Do you ever feel like an impostor in the world that you are trying to walk in? I do…
ALL THE TIME.
It’s hard to have dreams and walk in those dreams when you don’t even think you belong there. That’s how I feel in the world of photography and filmmaking most of the time. I don’t know why but I just feel like I don’t fit in…that I’m not good enough and even wrong in doing what I love.
I read (well actually I listened to) the new book That Sounds Fun – The Joys of Being an Amateur, the Power of Falling in Love, and Why You Need a Hobby (oh that title) by Annie F. Downs recently and honestly didn’t think much of it. I have read other books by her before and to say they were LIFE CHANGING is an understatement. Remember God and Let’s All Be Brave both hit me at the exact right time that I was needing them. This book on the other hand was just something I bought because I LOVE Annie like we are legit friends and yet have never met and so of course I was going to get her newest book. I listen to her podcast That Sounds Fun so why wouldn’t I read the book??? But the book just didn’t give me the same kind of feels until…
…today (3 or so weeks after finishing the book) it hit me…
Why am I not being an amateur?
I read (heard – let’s be real here I am an audiobook FANATIC) in the book You’re Never Weird on the Internet (almost) by Felicia Day that she feels like a failure if she isn’t immediately a success at something. And let me tell you…that is exactly how I feel.
What the actual heck is that mentality? It makes ZERO sense. That isn’t the way we were created. I wasn’t born doing all the things and perfectly. But I am a perfectionist and the worst kind too…the kind that would rather do nothing than fail at the ‘something’ I am attempting. It’s a struggle people.
Today I sent a Marco Polo to a friend of mine all about my sourdough starter. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with this but I am following the instructions and doing some research and learning. I am being…AN AMATEUR!!
If I fail, then I fail. Who does it hurt?
Actually it hurts my husband…He loves bread. And he wants me to not fail so badly so he can finally have good bread. At least good bread made by me.
In reality though I want to be more than just an amateur. I want to be a professional. I want to be a professional photographer, a professional filmmaker, a professional writer, bread maker, gardener, organizer, blogger/vlogger. This is my pride just getting in the way of me doing something simply for the fun of it, because when I say I want to be a professional really what I am saying is I want to be noticed, I want to be seen, I want the spotlight on me.
I have found though that in this life as an amateur I can find joy. I LOVE going out and making films, shooting film photography, making bread (even if it isn’t the lightest and fluffiest), writing, gardening, doing the things…So this is me starting, starting to be an amateur and sharing the process of failures – and maybe some successes – with you along the way.